Relationships, Uncategorized


Maybe like a week ago i had to break up with my boyfriend…well ex now. I didn’t see the relationship going anywhere so why would continue to waste time being unhappy? See people on the outside looking in, mainly my friends, thought we were so cute together and that we were perfect for each other.

Yeah i thought so too. I thought maybe i could make it work and fix whatever it was that wasn’t making us the perfect couple. From previous relationships i should have known trying to fix the other person was never a good idea. He got annoyed by me constantly trying wake him up, even though he’d been sleeping all flucking day; which was one thing that pissed me off the most.

He sleeps and flucking works. I honestly didn’t think he had time for me, because i don’t want to sleep my life away…been there done that. I need someone who i can move forward with, not stay in the same moment forever. One day i went over to his place to hangout and talk and he slept and let me fall asleep. We slept for an additional 5 hrs.

I was so groggy and uncomfortable, i just got up and left without telling him and he didn’t even text or call to see why. I know guys aren’t mind readers and aren’t going to know when a girl is upset or pissed the fuck off, but damn if he just got up and left me i would be wondering where the fuck he went and why. I don’t know, i guess i was just tired of being the only one aware that we were in a relationship, so…i had to end it.

We talked for two months and were officially together for just one, so neither one of us took it hard. I guess it was before the breakup that was very stressful. Over thinking things, wondering if your making the right decision, because i know i’m one to not think at all and regret my decisions later on. But no, i don’t regret it this time, because we were always just meant to be friends.

Hopefully we can get back to what we were before we started dating. Its pretty hard for friends who have dated to get back to just being friends, but hopefully we can do it. But as busy and lazy as he was when we were together, i doubt he’d have time anyway.

Advice, Awareness, Relationships

Lose it already…

The pressures that teenagers and even young adults go through when it comes to loosing their virginity is ridiculous. Guys get teased and taunted when their friends find out that they are still a virgin and the stress of that is massive. Even for girls, its no fun being the black sheep of the group.  When everyone else around them is having sex and they aren’t, people tend to think things. ‘Oh she’s a prude’ or ‘She must be religious or something’. No assholes. People are not obligated to give up their virginity just because they have hit a certain age bracket.

We get it people!! Just because you were fifteen when you lost it doesn’t mean everyone else has to either! For some people, sex is precious and meaningful. Its not just something you just go around giving to random people. To some people, its a memory they want to cherish for the rest of their lives.

Interesting enough, i am not one of those people. My virginity was just a word. It meant nothing to me. Being the horny little 17 year old i was, i was just waiting for the one guy i could trust to not completely fuck me over. Boy, that did not go as planned. The circumstances weren’t perfect and i should have thought it out thoroughly before doing the act, but at the time all i cared about was getting laid.

Not everyone is like me. Not everyone has that carefree mindset about life. Other’s take these things seriously and being comfortable in certain situations is very important. If she doesn’t feel comfortable with you touching her thigh, don’t do it. Don’t try to trick her and don’t push and push until she gives in.  If your girlfriend or boyfriend says no, you should respect their decision and back off.

My brother has a friend–lets call him T. He wants to wait. He feels like any sexual act should wait for the person he loves the most and trusts the most to give his all to. I find that so inspiring. Throughout all the countless teasing and many people at his school calling him gay, because he doesn’t want to feel a girl up, he’s stayed strong and positive. He is a really good kid and i see that with the mindset he is in that when he finally does want to loose his virginity, he will respect and care for the person his does it with.

Virginity is more than just a word to many people. It’s a part of them and losing a part of yourself is hard to do especially when you have a million voices telling you what YOU should do. Trust in yourself  and do what’s best for you. Ignore the ignorance and focus on what you want in life. Keep it as long as you want and give a big “Fuck Off” the the people who say Lose it already



Advice, love, Relationships

Friend Zoned?

Putting your heart out there is not the easiest thing to do. It’s like throwing your fishing rod out into still waters waiting for expecting fish to catch your line. When you find that one person that makes your heart stutter and your arm pits sweaty, not knowing whether or not they like you back is a gut wrenching feeling. Your best friend in the entire world, the one person you want to go to when the world kicks you down more and more each day–how can you not fall in love with that?

I know when i first moved here in Kentucky, i made two friends my first day of school. One being a girl–Maddie– and the other a guy–Brandon. We became really close friends to the point that we could tell each other anything and everything and we did. He shared with me the deepest parts of his life and i was pretty flattered that he had trusted me that much. I knew he liked me. Before he even said anything about it, i knew he had some feelings towards me.

I could have cut it off as soon as i saw it, but for some reason i didn’t. That moment right there was when he was officially friend zoned. I remember this one guy i had a crush on asking me if Brandon and i were a thing and i was honestly shocked that he would assume that, but thinking back on it, i can see now why he would think that.

We were always hanging out, hugging, and his flirting was pretty much obvious to everyone even the martians above. First it was little compliments here or there and then he progressed with touching–placing a hand on my thigh or grabbing my wrist. One day he literally grabbed my arm and pulled me down onto his lap. Then there was another time when he was sitting on my lap.

There are many many instances where a girl or guy has no idea that their best friend has a crush or is in love with them. Then there are people who know and just let it go on and on, which was a shitty thing for me to do, but i honestly didn’t know what to do at the time. It was honestly the first time it ever happened to me and it’s usually the other way around.

In my opinion there is really no way out of the friend zone, unless you are in the following circumstance. Guys lets say you are really in love with this girl and you just feel like she see’s you as nothing more than a brother, and girls let say you are super into this guy who you think only see’s you as his bff.  I think the key word in this scenario is “think”.  You think that this is this and that is that, but you never actually asked.

Those instances right there are the exception. She has feelings for him, he has feelings for her, but they are to scared to say anything to one another, because of the risk of ruining the friendship if the other doesn’t feel the same way. BUT THEY DO!!! I guess believing that your friendship is strong enough to withstand anything is the most important thing when pursuing something more.

A good thing to remember is to not let the feelings of another person crush you. If he or she doesn’t like you, its not their fault and you cant blame them for how they feel. Just move on to the next and be their for your friend like you’ve always been.


13 reasons why–what if?

What if i had spoken to her at lunch that day? What if i had offered to be his friend? There are a lot of what if’s when its too late to actually do anything. I don’t know about all of the older generation, but i know my mother would not take me serious if i told her i wanted to kill myself. I guess its the attitude i have towards life or the front i put up.

No. No i don’t want to kill myself. But what if i did? Would anyone take me seriously? I asked my brother what he would say if i told him i wanted to and he said “You don’t. You’re too scared to do something like that.” He is totally right, but he’s just assuming. He doesn’t know or care what is going on in my head. He doesn’t know or care what i go through everyday.

Recently i watched the Netflix series ’13 reasons why’. A lot of people on social media warned everyone not to watch it, that it was horrifying, triggering and depressing. I think everyone should watch it because no one takes this seriously. Ive never met a more suicidal generation in my life. Most of today’s youth are so sensitive and sheltered to where they cant handle the what life throws at them anymore.

I once threatened to kill myself because my own mother called me a stupid slut on multiple occasions. Throughout my life, i don’t know how many times ive been called a blonde. Back forever ago, people meant that towards white blonde girls and i find that so offensive and im not even white.

Being called stupid because of the way my mind works killed my soul and my spirit just a little more each time. At times i didn’t even know how i could take all that negativity. That’s why i am so positive, that’s why i put on a front, so no one can see that things get to me. That’s why no one can tell if im depressed/suicidal or not.

That’s what many people go through today and nobody cares. They want to brush it under the rug until someone trips up and dust flies everywhere. What if we could prevent these useless deaths? What if we took our heads out of our asses and listened when people called out for help?

I think that is one really good reason to watch that show and read the book. They are raising awareness. They are trying. Now its our turn to help.

Advice, Beauty

How to be pretty 101

First let me start off by saying that the title of this post is absolutely stupid. Yeah i said it…stupid. If you actually thought i could teach you how to be pretty or give you some sort of tutorial on beauty, you are sadly mistaken.

When people try this hard to be pretty, it makes you stop and think, are they ugly? Is there even such a thing as being “ugly”? What if i told you i didn’t find Channing Tatum, Rihanna, or Zayne Malik attractive? You’d think i was mad. Well sorry to break it to you, but i don’t. I think they are ugly, but are they really?

I think beauty is all about preferences. What i find beautiful may be different from what my friends find beautiful. Well i know its a lot different because of their millions of judgmental comments on the type of guys i go for. I like what i like and i cant change that.

The point of me saying this is because of the multitude of girls out there going around questioning whether they are pretty or not. One girl asked “how do i know if my boyfriend is really attracted to me?”. I scrunched my eyebrows at that question because it truly confused me. The answer i gave her–now that i look back on it–was sort of mean but true. I said “Because he’s with you. No one dates people they think are ugly; they say they would but they wouldn’t. So he finds something attractive about your appearance, even if you are ugly.” I have no idea why i said that, but oddly enough my advice helped her.

I’m not saying people don’t look at the deeper parts of another person, because a lot of people do. On the other hand, you cant see what’s on the inside from a first glance. Most people have to find that other person somewhat attractive to go and see whats inside.

My preference as a black female is more on the caucasian side, so black males aren’t usually my type. When it comes to black males, there are a handful of them i like and will give my attention to. If you don’t want to admit that you do this, then you don’t have to, but subconsciously everyone does it.

You cant let someone else’s preference get you thinking that you aren’t beautiful though. Girls–and guys– think down on themselves because they don’t look like “this girl” or “that guy”. To be frank with you, that girl you admire so much, probably doesn’t even really look the way she does–on social media– in real life.

Love you for the way you are. Trust me other people love it too. Don’t try to be something you’re not. You aren’t ugly and don’t try so hard to be pretty either, just be you. You are beautiful just the way you are.